Thank you ma'am, can I have another?

So I'm home from work already. I made it 8.5 hours before they sent me home. Here I was, looking forward to judging a pulled-pork cook-off when I was rudely interrupted by my job. Here's what happened:

The call came out as a 9-1-1 hangup. We were about 15 minutes from the address so they dispatched a closer engine. When we got there we found a 36 year old woman who was having abdominal cramps which she attributed to "having to poop", miscarrying a 2-day old pregnancy, or menstrual cramping. She admitted to having done a dipper (marajuana dipped in PCP) about three days ago. She apparently told others she'd done drugs today, but she denied it to me. She was acting strangely, but nothing I thought I couldn't handle. The Rookie didn't feel comfortable taking the call since she'd said she'd done drugs, so I rode in the back. This is what happened about five minutes from the hospital. Up to this point she's just been asking questions, but was fine.

Big Girl: I need to use your cell phone.
Detail Medic: No ma'am, can't let you use the phone.
BG: But we could all die in here and I need to talk to my maybe husband!
DM: MAYBE husband? You don't know if you're married?
BG: Mumble, mumble, mumble. You're a BITCH.
DM: OK. (silence for a minute)
BG: I need a drink of water.
DM: I'm sorry ma'am but I don't have any. You'll have to wait until we get to the hospital.
BG: Is there a bathroom in here?
DM: No, there's not.
BG: What if I have to shit myself?
DM: Well let's try not to do that, OK? (silence for a minute)
BG: Let me use your cell phone NOW.
DM: I told you, no.

Pt unbuckles the stretcher straps and gets up off the stretcher screaming at me that I'm a bitch and that I don't know how to drive an f-ing ambulance. I pointed out that I was not driving and told her to sit her ass down in the stretcher. I buckled her back in and told The Rookie to call the hospital and have security waiting for us. Big Girl unbuckles the straps again and comes off the stretcher. She punched me right in the face. I got her to sit down AGAIN, and while she's kicking me in the abdomen, I buckle her in again. In the meantime she's alternately screaming at me, telling me we should have sex right there in the back of the unit and asking me if I'm going to heaven. Then she started kicking me again. I told The Rookie to upgrade to a priority one response (lights and sirens) and haul ass so mine got a minimal beating. I'd grabbed a portable radio and tried to call the dispatcher to have police enroute too but the radio was out of range down there. By that time we pulled into the ER parking lot and I was yelling at my parter to get the F in the back with me and help. By this time I was lying on top of her feet so she couldn't kick me anymore. When he yanked open the back doors, the security guard supermanned into the back of the unit and started yelling at the patient. She got real quiet real quick.

So after filling out paperwork, talking to police officers from two jurisdictions and eating lunch I started to get sore. My right shoulder and neck are sore. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Well she was big girl and I didn't fight back - mostly because I want to keep my job. The Lieutenant told me to go home for the rest of the shift and sleep it off. I decided not to press charges. Mostly because I'd have to go to the courthouse and file myself because the cops wouldn't do it. Since they didn't witness it, so they can't charge her. They will be charging her with possession of crack, drug accessories and whatever other illegal stuff he found in the house. Her 90 something year old grandmother was clueless. And apparently she has quite a record. Charming girl. She's done enough bad stuff to herself, I don't need to throw my hat in the ring.

I just can't make this stuff up. Really.